Vulnerability - First Glance

In order for us to grow mentally and spiritually, it is critical that we actively participate in creating connections with other human beings. The fact is that few things require such an epistemological approach in the world: for all that we might learn by sequestering ourselves away in our ivory towers, devouring books and reflecting on solitary lessons in order to shape our core identity and understandings, this exercise is futile if it cannot be practiced or observed in those others who wander through our lives. Yet, while sociability promotes the relationships and connections which enrich this existence, it simultaneously creates one of the most frightening components of our human condition. Imagine the disillusionment of a heart that reaches out to another, only to discover it is beating itself against an unyielding wall. Should it return to its source, battered and bruised, or does it continue its vain effort until there is simply nothing further to give?

This has been a perennial concern of mine for many years, and doubtless it will continue for many more. I have realized that many people harbor an intense fear of appearing vulnerable. To even look at this word conjures images of perceived weakness, Darwinist montages of small animals succumbing to genetic impurities which allow the strong to consume and destroy them. Vulnerability is a state of existence to be taken advantage of, and when growing up, we are told not to wear emotions openly so that life's cruelties will not trample them underfoot. Vulnerability is dangerous to the ego, and if there is any attribute almost unique to humans, it is that we love this concept of self so deeply and adamantly that we will lay waste to any individual who attempts to compromise its sanctity. To be vulnerable is shameful. Over time, people have discovered the switches that turn off the ability to be attuned to others, because the burden of cultivating the ego is great; most cannot afford to shoulder the weight of those emotions which naturally occur among us anyway. This is abetted by a current society which promotes empty social entanglement reeking of insincerity, of insecurity. The wearing of masks is encouraged faultlessly.

Personally, I do not have the time and energy for such an endless masquerade ball, but I recognize that I too have donned disguises in the past. Lately I have been analyzing the personal journal of Dag Hammarskjold, a man much beloved for his tenure as Secretary General of the United Nations but who also struggled titanically with inner demons, many regarding the face he should present to the world. I wish to share a eloquently written excerpt from his Markings to highlight the damage that is done through foregoing vulnerability for social acceptance:

"Jabbering away about this or that, slouching along the bypaths of gossip, unjust to himself and to others. The great thing is to charm - in order to possess, at least for the moment, a person whose feelings he doesn't dare to test by revealing is own. Better, though, this humiliating role of the clown than to be shunned as a bore - or as contemptible because of an infatuation which meets no response."

He continues:

 "The feeling of shame over the previous day when consciousness again emerges from the ocean of the night. How dreadful must the contrast have been between the daily life and the living waters to make the verdict one of high treason. It is not the repeated mistakes, the long succession of petty betrayals - though, God knows, they would give cause enough for anxiety and self-contempt - but the huge, elementary mistake, the betrayal of that which is greater than I - in a complacent adjustment to alien demands." - Dag Hammarskjold

For those who are that desperate for human contact that they will compromise their soul to participate in this sham, this is a lose-lose scenario. Surely, by playing the game on the terms society has set, you can capture the attention of another human being, but the substance of this connection is ephemeral at best. I think of those banal conversations that subsist entirely on sarcasm and throwbacks to popular culture.

"'To be sociable'-to talk merely because convention forbids silence, to rub against one another in order to create the illusion of intimacy and contact: what an example of la condition humaine. Exhausting, naturally, like an improper use of our spiritual resources. In miniature, one of the many ways in which mankind successfully acts as its own scourge-in the hell of spiritual death." - Dag Hammarskjold

But where better to see the most extreme exchanges enacted than in a bar? Be it my favorite East Village dive or a suburban tavern, it is a given that I will notice that one person drinking above and beyond in order to drive the fun among his friends a little further - sometimes I have been that guy. But for what purpose? So that I can force a few smiles and believe momentarily that my entertainment made some important impact? The hangover the following morning is more than a physical pain: it is the throbbing emotional reminder that something of myself has suffered. There is no enrichment, only shame. Few moments compare to the feelings of loneliness and isolation from my world experienced in those first minutes of waking up.

Years of reflection have taught me that it is counter-intuitive to live this way, that it takes great courage to desire vulnerability; and so great efforts were made to combat my own intense fear to open my heart and stand naked in my sincerity. Had I seen Hammarskjold's words then, I would have actively strove to prove that "keeping it real" would actually deliver admirable results in opening up others. In retrospect, the preponderance of results speak to the incredible difficulty of such a task. A simple yet prominent example that comes to mind is an occasion where, when asked by a friend how I was doing, I replied that at the time I was experiencing some doubt about my direction in life. The response received was laconic - "oh, that sucks" - ending the matter without further discussion. More troubling was comprehending my friend's face registered neither empathy nor interest, as though he did not intend for an answer of substance beyond "I'm good". Repeated instances of voicing deeper thoughts and expressions procured similar responses, if not requests to "lighten up" or "get out of your head". The effects are hard to process when dealt by strangers, surely, but imagine the bitter disillusionment knowing that your chosen associates keep themselves at a certain distance. No wonder that when we find that particular friend or lover that instantly "clicks", embracing your vulnerability and sharing their own, we cling so tightly that our companion is practically suffocated. And should this one day fail - that is to say, circumstance intervenes to force both onto separate, solitary paths - the traces of a vicious cycle begins to appear. Those who gave their hearts vacillate between hiding the pains away and reluctantly giving themselves once more until a breaking point is reached. A day comes when the veil of the world is dropped and we are believed to be alone and doubtful of our meaning. The tougher souls might give up the struggle by sealing off the heart in a stone sarcophagus permanently to join the rest of humanity. Those which are more gentle and sensitive are completely overwhelmed, diving deeply into depressive states and even suicide.

In fact, I am led to wonder in the wake of a coworker's unexpected suicide if he had stumbled across this realization. What perceptions of his surroundings pushed him to make such an irreversible decision, regardless of those demons plaguing him? Based on knowledge of incidents surrounding his last night on earth, I believe that he laid bare what was on his mind to another coworker, but was rebuffed, taken to be insincere. This inaction rightfully stakes a claim to being the most unjustifiable choice during this series of events, for even the most maimed individual can reevaluate his meaning and worth if it is only reflected in another. Empathy, which fits finger-in-glove with vulnerability, sorely lacked that evening. Death is unusual in that it appears to accomplish the rare task of demolishing our internal defenses and exposing us to the grief of others. Suddenly everyone seeks a shoulder to cry on, to bury their woes in the casket along with the recently departed. With suicide as the precipitating factor, there are the additional promises sworn in the name of revenants and countless gods that no longer will acting hard-hearted and cruel figure into daily lives. Future suicides of the world, take heed of these newborn guardian angels leaving the cemeteries and crematoriums in legions to deliver you from pain.

The vital lesson is missed, however. Nastiness and cruelty are unforgivable, yes, but there is more to the decision to forfeit an irreplaceable, unique life. Many more will slit, hang, drown, overdose - not entirely because their problems are insurmountable by their own weakness and vulnerability, but because of the recognition that the world is largely indifferent, that humanity lumbers forward whether or not we are invited to join. Promises made graveside are forgotten sooner than one thinks, and old habits become commonplace once more. The lesson is not that these unfortunate souls are lacking, but it is we who are impoverished. Our souls, by locking others outside of our lives, are made to suffer and deteriorate as we lose the memory of what it is like to experience joy, despair, or any unadultered emotion as it was meant to be encountered, without filter, without shame.

"Do you really have 'feelings' any longer for anybody or anything except yourself - or even that? Without the strength of a personal commitment, your experience of others is at most aesthetic. Yet today, even such a maimed experience brought you into touch with a portion of spiritual reality which revealed your utter poverty." -Dag Hammarskjold

(I intend to continue this conversation in a subsequent post. A quick smattering of media pertaining to vulnerability: TedTalk on Vulnerability and Shame - http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame; Dag Hammarskjold's Markings, Pink Floyd's The Wall).

Contemplating Space and the Empty

Something which has been at the fore of my mind of late is the contemplation of space. A vast word, space, appropriate for the reality which it is tasked to represent regardless of how it is couched for a situation. How we manipulate it and are consequently shaped in return is utterly fascinating.

As the concept is almost literally infinite in scope, I will try to set the tone by starting this exploration through the world of music. There are many selections that serve as gateways for me, and I will sprinkle one or two more through this post, but I feel as though this might be appropriate for a beginning:

Black Sabbath's "Planet Caravan" is awarded first representation due in some part to a direct connection to space as a physical place - Space with a capital "S". The lyrics depict floating through the universe with a lover, remarking on life below them and the visions surrounding. However, driving the performance is not the content of the words themselves, but the atmosphere that it contributes to creating. Vocals are projected through a rotating Leslie speaker, creating an illusion of sounding distant yet entirely surrounding the listener. Augmenting this eerie spot of studio engineering is the remainder of the band: the psychedelic strum of an acoustic guitar, the low thrum of bass notes, and gentle conga beats. Tiny gaps between instrumental phrasings serve to explode the moment they have created beyond a physical room - sparse and minimal, the final product is unmistakable in its capturing of an expansive black dimension, with small points of light to illuminate the darkness. And so the caravan proceeds, with this particular listener undoubtedly in tow each time.

I want to emphasize how notes in "Planet Caravan" seem to hang in the air, creating the aforementioned tiny gaps. Emptiness. To me, it manifests almost paradoxically with the density of a black hole, however momentary before the void fills with the next note.

As I sit and think on this more, how we relate to the inseparability of space and emptiness seems to be the natural direction to move in from here. Adding emptiness into the mix complicates matters some, in part because there are significant portions of our human collective that are bred to meet emptiness as the culmination of Nothingness, or emptiness as the manifestation of that which is Meaningless. Within the context of Space, imagine Planet Caravan on a bad trip. Within that vacuum, there is no sound, no life - one can float on forever seemingly without the chance of ever meeting another life-form. The only thing that fills such an emptiness are paranoid and fearful thoughts. One can become lost. Taken in metaphorical contexts, space and emptiness affects us as the distance between ourselves and those whom we hold in highest regard or sincere love. For creatures that thrive upon social interaction and shared emotional bonds, confusion and apprehension comes natural after the statement "I need space." Why jettison off into the unknown cosmos to discover yourself alone when it is safer and more comforting to make the passage together? Feelings are marched through the deserted cities of our hearts, led in chains by conquering cohorts of self-doubt and uncertainty. Above all we reject and loathe death, the daily reminder that our existence can become totally meaningless instantaneously. Consciousness is replaced by emptiness for eternity, and we have no control over this. This serves to cast these concepts as the natural opposition to what we endeavor to achieve in life, in that we seek to fill it with people and objects that hopefully distract from the paralyzing, debilitating truth surrounding us.

Should life be defined by this inherently negative, fearful perspective of emptiness, however? Not necessarily. Alternatively, why not understand emptiness as that singular factor which unites the universe and provides meaning instead of destroying it, as the force which moves through all life?

Consider this passage from the Laozi, also known as the Tao Te Ching:

Thirty spokes share the wheel's hub;
It is the center hole that makes it useful.
Shape clay into a vessel;
It is the space within that makes it useful.
Cut doors and windows for a room;
It is the holes which make it useful.
Therefore profit comes from what is there;
Usefulness from what is not there.

This section of the text is an immensely powerful philosophical offering, one that could only emerge from a part of the world where materialism has never been the chiefest of concerns (therefore it is no coincidence that most of those who fear what emptiness implies are Westerners leading highly-material, individualized lives). That which is intangible and supposedly lacking can be manipulated in order to create meaning in all aspects of living. Implied is the need to experience and become imbued with emptiness - the type of empirical engagement which serves as the launching point for this very blog. We too are vessels longing to be filled with something greater than ourselves. Within emptiness there is room for self-discovery, creation, and limitless sharing...

...which leads me back to my gateway of music, where I will leave off on this discussion until next time. Its manipulation and shaping of emptiness through the exploration of space brings me to a place where I feel my spirit to be a part of everything and nothing simultaneously. Two final examples to share which I believe highlight my process:

The sacred music of Gregorian Chant capitalizes upon favorable acoustics created by the cavernous interiors of glorious cathedrals. Empty space magnifies the melismatic technique of the male voices, transforming mortal expression into divine messages traversing across astral planes. Even for those of a secular mind such as myself, the innate power built into the form of the chant is one that draws my soul into the sensation of existing within something. Alternatively, Erik Satie's "Uspud", as a precursor of minimalism, heavily incorporates silence and empty spaces into the composition. None of the silences are uniform, lasting for variable lengths of time throughout the work. Within these pregnant pauses, the composer has not only found a way to underscore the previous and coming measures, but allows the listener to fill them with thought, feeling, to create their own spiritual music. Those moments then transcend their boundaries and become timeless, infinite, and beautiful. Those moments are our own, yet each other's.

Initial Monologue

It is paramount that any future audience of this blog be addressed directly before we embark together on what ideally will be an enlightening journey for all involved. I wish to first capture the ethos that contributed to the naming of this series "Marking the Tabula Rasa", and expanding upon the succinct description that appears beneath it so as to clarify any potential confusion or skepticism.

The concept of the "blank slate" traces a long lineage back to the earliest thinkers. At a most general understanding, it serves as a keystone of epistemology and empiricism, offering the idea that at birth, the human mind is devoid of impressions and influences that shape both worldly perceptions and conceptualizations of our own identities. Proponents of this "field" state that through growth and observing the evidence of life around us, humanity then develops "a posteriori" comprehension of objects, events, and people. To paraphrase an old adage, a man who works with his hands knows his world. Take, for instance, a carpenter: in order to build a cabinet, he must have an understanding of wood-working. He must know what type of wood would suit the job; if he cuts down the trees he uses to work with, he must know where to find the appropriate trees; he must know how to cut either with or against the natural grain, and to incorporate knots into his product; he must utilize geometry and mathematical skills to correctly size the cabinet; he must sand the wood until it is smooth; ultimately, he must be able to see his vision as he works through each step in the process. Man is not born with the innate knowledge to build cabinets, nor is man endowed with the ability to exit the womb with infallible understanding of a vast, ever-changing world. As the carpenter learns his craft through his physical experience working with wood, so through sensory experience and subsequent processing of thoughts into cohesive ideas, humanity carves markings into its slate.

From the description and the choice of language in translating tabula rasa to "blank slate", it may appear that once the process of experiencing begins, what we decide to inscribe implies a state of permanence - that is, our thoughts and observations are set in stone. It is crucial to remember that empiricism, which this concept helps to inform, doubles as a science as well as philosophical school. Theories built upon falsifiable hypotheses are challenged daily: society has acted as witness while the most touted theories of yesterday succumb to the onslaught of today's new interpretations of facts. Therefore, it is better to think of our minds not as once-and-done stone carvings, but made of wax. If we choose to, we can choose to remold ourselves, resetting to a state of being where we are without preconception and predispositions to think one way or another. I believe this to be an essential aspect of living healthily with ourselves and within this universe.

That is the ethos of this blog - this is a place where I will attempt to share my own quest to probe my surroundings in a way that presents it as though it were the first time. In fact, there may be many instances where I face unknowns; there will also be many episodes that will fall on the familiar side.

I have no intention of limiting the scope of content that passes before my scrutiny, aside from taking all steps to dispel with harmful words. To place a boundary on what is seen, touched, or heard is an impediment against the subsequent attempt to rationalize and come to terms with such sensory exploration. Additionally, while I encourage thoughtful feedback and responses from this audience, I cannot promise that this journey, once undertaken, will produce answers of any concrete fashion - after all, the impermanence of answers was established earlier. I will do my best to guide you through these sensations, be it through providing photographs, music, or even literature to help understand me if I do a poor job of explaining myself. What I can promise, however, is the honesty and the integrity of my written word. To present myself otherwise defeats the entire purpose of what we together can accomplish.

The time has come to embark. Will you come along, whither the path may wind?

(Postscript: for additional information on the concept of the tabula rasa, please reference John Locke's An Essay Concerning Human Understanding).